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Title: Love and Sex and the Whole Damn Thing (a Draco Malfoy story) Oh joy~
Author: damez
Fandom: Harry Potter
Content Rating: PG-14
Characters Raped: Draco, Hermione, OC, Pomfrey, probably every other character
Rating: XXX- Deadly
Notes: There are about 54 chapters of this tripe and I didn't particularly feel like working my way through them all. Feel free to go through them all yourselves though.

It was around Tuesday when Draco was awakended from his coma. He was what from his coma? Awak-ended?
When you herad of the news, Okay, there's this wonderful invention on MS Word and Firefox and well, most word processors, called spell check. Please use it. you pleased to skip Potions to see him How can you please to do something?..which Snape strictly refused to tolorate. No shit, Sherlock. Also, SPELLCHECK IS YOUR FRIEND.
So, you had to wait until after Potions to go and visit him in the ward...but it turned out that
'-young Malfoy had been sent to his dorm And Madame Pomfrey needs to stick to the proper tense....and you, young madam Er... What's with Pomfrey adding "young" before everyone's title/name?, are not to disturb him! Too late for that...' Madam Pomfrey warned, wagging her finger in front of your face.
You didn't care about the warning and ran out of the ward as soon as possibleCOMMA back to the Slytherin common room.
You came to a stop outside the boy's dirm Which boy? And what's a dirm? and hesitated to go in.
You then knocked on the oak door I don't particularly care what the door is made of... quietly.
'Who is it?' came Draco's tired voice.
You ignored him and entered the room Wonderful manners. He couldn't be, I don't know... changing or anything. to find Draco in a white gown and tucke dup He's wearing a white gown and a tucke dup? What's a tucke dup? in his bed witha book in his hands and a pair of spectacles on his face. 1) This person has issues with the space bar, obviously. 2) Draco... with glasses... What?
'Oh, it's you' Draco said, homgSHEREMEMBEREDTHECOMMA! 8D quickly taking off his glasses and hiding GET YOUR TENSE RIGHT them under his pillow.
'I doidn't know you like reading?' ...doidn't? And TENSE. you said warmly, taking another stpe Spellcheeeeeeck D: forwards.
'I don't' Draco sniffed loudly, throwing his book under his bed. Oh, Draco. You big toughie.
When he straightened up, he rubbed his eyes to get a better look at you.
You both said nothing...the atmosphere How can she spell atmosphere right but not didn't? was too weird and queit ... in this room.
'I..I wanted to apologise about the incident last week.. THE INCIDENT. DUN DUN DUUUUN. I was so worried when i saw you in the ward...I actually thought you were gonna die...so, I am so sorry...' you said hopelessly, wringing your soft hands. She uses the blood of a thousand virgins to keep her hands soft to the touch! (Available at your local Vold-E-Mart!)
Draco blinked and said nothing still. Pointless 'still'...
'Well, I'd better go now...otherwise I'd be late for Transfiguration...' Stop substituting ellipses for commas! you said quickly afetrwards, making foir the door. *scratches eyes out and sacrifices them to the wonderful goddess, Spellcheckia*
'Dulcinaea... Wtf? Dulcinaea? Did you keyboard smash? come here!' Draco called out.
You paused and turned around. 'Yes?' you asked confused, walking ack to Draco's side.
Draco gazed at you for a minute before opening his mouth and devouring you whole. 'I forgive you...' he said quietly.
'I know you didn't mean to attack me, I was going to attack you, And the teachers didn't expell either of them!? They didn't even get detentions!? but...thankfully I didn't have much choice, ...You always have a choice, Draco. I am glad you were not hurt We aren't., I was so angry that night, I lost my temper and I am sorry... Why are you apologizing!? You're the one in the hospital ward!' Draco said, his face expressed painfully. *snickers*
You forced a smile on your face. No. No I did not. 'It's ok...' you said, not knowing what else to sya.
You started to feel shy around him now. NO I DIDN'T. D<
Draco looked at you again and blushed. 'Er...well, Madam Pomfrey said I am not to be out of this bed until she is sure I am better...but who cares about her...sdghslkfhdkf I dunno. If I was told NOT TO GET OUT OF BED because I'm not  better, I WOULDN'T RISK IT. I need to stretch my legfs Your what?..' Darcosaid Who the hell is Darcosaid? as he put his legs out of bed But not his ankles... Those buggers could stay behind. and tried to stand on his feet instead of the Sue's. but failed and slipped nback random 'n' onto his bed.
You coughed back a laughter BUT JUST ONE LAUGHTER. and rushed forwards to help him up.
Drcao Drcao? Some sort of indigenous parrot? went bright red And that made the other reindeer not let him join in their reindeer games.. 'That's becuase I have not been walking for a while... Thanks for the needless explination, Drcao.' he said quickly as he held on to your arm.
You btoh managed to get Daco standing upright. Okay, Draco is skipping into other dimensions and being replaced with dopplegangers or something because I have never heard of "Darcosaid", "Drcao", or "Daco".
'Yeah..thanks' he said, his red face fading away now. "DACO!? Where's your head!?"
'Well, where are you planning to stretch your legs?' you simpered. ...I do not think that word means what you think it means.
Draco turned to look out of his window. 'Outisde' Outisde. The magical land of Draco Dopplegangers. he said simply. 'I could do with some fresh air...why, it's snoing! It's snoing? Is that like snoo-snoo? If so, DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. (Futurama. I watch it occasionally. XD)' he said surprised, taking another step towards the window and opened it. Gah! The tense!
You wtached him exhale a great breath of fresh air. ...I'm thinking she meant inhale.
'It's beautiful!' Draco said happily. 'Dulicnaea! What's the date today? dhjadgs Her- my... it's name! D:'
You laughed. 'Why, it's the 15th of December!' 'WONDERFUL! I'm not too late! *flips her a penny* Go buy the biggest Christmas turkey you can, young fellow! MERRY CHRISTMAS~!" "Why, thanks, Mr. Scrooge!"
Draco looked so surprised. 'You are joking! Christams is close! Have I missed the last Hogsmead trip?' he asked alarmed. Because that's priority when you're dying.
You shook your head. 'No! You've just woken up in time, the trip is on Thursday'
Draco had a broad smile on his face. 'Brilliant!' BLOODY BRILLIANT! Draco... have you been hanging out with Ron again?

Afterwards, it was lunchtime Random timeskip. and you and Draco got dressed up for the winter outside.
As you both steppe ...Okay. Steppe makes this a whole lot funnier. doutside in the bright white snow something went 'SLPAT!' on your backside. It was your personality! OMG!
You screamed and turned around to find both laughing Fred and George Weasley. That... that makes no sense. D:
'You Gryffindor bastards!' AS OPPOSED TO NORMAL BASTARDS! you shouted after them.
To your surprise, Draco was sniggering beside you.
You looked at him. 'Found that funny, huh?'
Draco stopped and shook his head.
You picked up a aball A aball? Wha-? of snow and threw it at him.
Draco screamed and you laughed.
'I'll get you for that, Dulcinaea!' IF IT'S THE LAST THING HE DOES! he shouted and threw aimed Okay, obviously she couldn't decide which word to use so she decided, why use only one!? Two is much better! a big snowball at youi but missed as you ducked behind the big beech tree. DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE TREE.
'Hahhahahah!' you screamed truimphantly but then- How can you scream "HAHHAHAHAH"?
'Gotacha!' Obviously the call of a wild Doppleganger. came Draco's shout as his second snowball amnaged to find its way onto your forehead. Don't you just hate those sentient snowballs?
You collapsed onto the snow.
Draco and Hermioen Granger came ruunign to you. Who is Hermioen? And where the hell did they come from?
'Owwwww' you groaned babyishly I have never heard a baby groan. as you got pulled up by Draco. 'My head...you bugger!' you spat at Draco. Suddenly, we remember we're British! BUGGER!
He grinned broadly and nudged Granger on the arm....which he totally regretted Like, totally! once he took a good look at who he was standing next to.
'Fuck! Granger! What are you doing here?' Draco jumped into the air. and flew away, far, far from this fic.
You and Granger looked at each other and shrugged.
'I am here on behalf of Dulcinaea's accident...' Granger sniffed. What the hell. Is she it's legal representative?
Draco glared at her. 'Well, she's fine now...so you can take your litle Mudblood arsew arsew? Wtf. ith you and return to yurr ,little Blodd traitor Blodd traitor. We're in Sweden, suddenly! of a boyfriend and your half-breed freak of a best pal! Erm... Harry's parents were both human/wizards, Draco.' Draco sneered.
Hermione Granger suddenly reappeared, kicked the Sue's ass, and then banished all the dopplegangers from this fic, returning everything to normal. went hot red Erm... and folded her arms. 'How dare you! I don't belive in calling people names that do not belong to them! How would you like it if I called you Melanie!? Or April!? GAWD!' Granger sniffed loudly. 'Ronald is NOT my boyfriend...and Harry is NOT a half-breed freak! She got the last bit right!'
'Draco...I think you should aplogise to Hermioen here... This is going to give me an apopleptic fit. Hermioen is back.' you said.
Draco looked at you. 'No! Dulcinaea! Have you forgotten, thsi is Granger...the Mudblo-' Sorry, short term memory loss, Draco.
'Shut up about the Mudblood scemes I'm thinking she meant "schemes" but that still makes no sense. The Mudbloods aren't scheming at all....and other horrible names!' She really isn't one to talk about horrible names... you snapped. 'You may be a pure-blood...but that doesn't mean yo can hurt others becuase they are not!' Well... he can if he wants, really. It isn't nice, but he can.
Draco did not look pleased with you and flared his pointed nose. Draco's nose is like a Frilled-Neck Lizard's neck ruff, apparently. 'Granger, just leave us alone please...' Draco ordered Hermione. Draco, she isn't a house-elf. I doubt Hermione would listen to anything you ordered her to do.
'You still ahve not apologised to ehr yet' you reminded Draco. Spellcheeeck! *sobs*
He glared at you but you glared back. He gave up and retuned to Hermione. 'I am sorry...' he said quickly.
Hermioen did not leave. 'There is no sorry wothout a eason...' she said wisely. Okay. My brain exploded.
You gazed at her surprisedly. Hermione is taking this so well...
Draco looked shocked. 'No! of course not! You know perfectly well what I am apologising for!' he shouted and then put his head into his gloves. 'I shall be condemned for life!' he muttered, shaking his head. Wtf, Draco? Condemned for life?
Hermione sniffed loudly yet again. Everyone in this fic has a perma-cold or something. 'Well, good luck with that...I hope you have a very nice 'condemned' life!'  GFFF. STOP ENCOURAGING THE IDIOCITY, HERMIONE.
You saw Hermioen walk away without a care in the world. Because she doesn't have to help Harry stop Voldie or anything.
Draco looked up from his gloves. 'Well, I am very flattered!' he replied back sarcastially. So... confused.
Hermione turned round. 'Really? You must have misunderstood me. I was meant to accuse you!' This is like a painfully stupid playground fight from grade 3. D: Hermione said, smirkingly. Smirkingly? Uhh...
Ooooohh! Miaow! Wtf. Telling us when you switch to author's notes would be nice.
well, thanks for reading! I love you loads! Can't return the sentiment, sorry. Please vote for me...every vote counts! Aim for 5! hehehhee! That's right! Aim high!

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
_sockmonk_
Sep. 9th, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)
Brb, going to go scan this 'fic for sex scenes.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )